I’m in love with Him, I always loved Him. Yet coming to the training made me doubt my love towards Him. Was my love temporary? Or was it an impulsive decision? Many times, I told myself, this was the greatest mistake that I made in my whole life – to be in the full time training.
I came to the training because of my first love towards Him. But day by day, the companions, the rules and regulations, all the outward things just brought me to exhaustion – I realized I’m so natural in every way. Many times I doubted was my love towards Him, considering it something out of my imagination… Or was it something that doesn’t even exist?
A Christian life is a life of believing in the things unseen. We have never seen the Lord – yet we love Him (1 Pet 1:8). In every circumstance, I learned to go to the Lord, confess, repent, weep, and see that I am nothing but Christ is everything. It’s heart-aching, to come to Him and say, Lord, take it away if it’s something that replaces You. I want Thy increase and my decrease.
Frankly speaking, it took me weeks just to pray the above prayer. Naturally, I refused to let it go. I refused to let the Lord touch me in such a deep way. Yet the Lord is such a good Shepherd. He shepherded me in a tender way. He spoke to me with hymn #1154, “… draws me, ever to seek Thee, and run after Thee…” I realized that I couldn’t sing even the first stanza of this hymn because I’m not willing to let Him to draw me, I’m not willing to be absolute and run after Him!
Being a stubborn person, I decided to deny His speaking towards me. Yet, being such a tender Lord – I’m glad He just never let me go! – He spoke to me again with Psalms 73:25. This time, it penetrated deeply within me.
“Whom do I have in heaven but You? /
And besides You there is nothing I desire on earth.”
O, Lord, that was a strong speaking to me! I said, I love You, yet I still love other things more than You! It just proved that I’m not worthy to love Him, I’m not even worthy to be in the training!
But, I just want to learn to come to Him! The more I come to Him, the more I realized, I can’t love Him with my natural love. My natural love is so limited, it’s so shallow. The training just put me in an environment showing me that I’m nothing but just a wretched man. Yet, I am able to love Him because He was the One who first loved me.
I used to think that going to the Lord and contacting Him is something “extra” in our Christian life. But the training gave us at least 20 minutes per day to come to Him and enjoy His presence. I have to admit that it was towards the end of the semester in the training that I realized how important this is – to come to Him in such a dear way, to be so thorough with Him, to be dealt with by Him, to speak to Him, listen to Him, linger in His presence…
Even though I do not touch Him every time I come to Him, it was the practicing that makes me want Him more and more each day. The more I come to Him, the more I want to listen to Him, the more I want to see His face, the more I want to see the index of His eyes. When the brothers encouraged us to build up a divine romantic story with Him, I thought it was kind of silly, but now I cannot help but just to say I love my Lord! He is the real romance that I need!
So, you may be wondering what’s that thing that made me cling to it for so long? To be honest, I would say it’s all in our own imagination and also the attacks of Satan. It does not matter anymore as long as we are enjoying His words in His presence! All the negative things were killed by His precious Words!
“Whom having not seen, you love; into whom though not seeing Him at present, yet believing, you exult with joy that is unspeakable and full of glory,” 1 Peter 1:8
Praise the Lord for the training! It is joy unspeakable and full of glory to believe Him, to love Him, to be in such a romantic relationship with Him! Yes, I’m in love with Him!
![In My Father's house are many abodes; if [it were] not [so,] I would have told you; for I go to prepare a place for you. John 14:2](https://i0.wp.com/agodman.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/In-My-Fathers-house-are-many-abodes-if-it-were-not-so-I-would-have-told-you.jpg?fit=178%2C100&ssl=1)
O Lord, I just want to build up a romantic relationship with You! Thank You, You never let us go! We can always enjoy Your word in Your presence. Thank You, Your precious Word kills all negative things. We just keep coming to You!
A Christian life is a life of believing in the things unseen..Thank you so much for your Testimony….
Lord, fill me with yourself as Love. In me there is no Love, but you are my Love, my first Love. I love you with this Love which you fill in me. Draw me more to love You more. Your drawing power is my loving power towards You. You are so lovely. I love Thee, Dear Lord!